‘The Bear’ Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: “Children”

The title of The Bear Season 3 Episode 5 is “Children,” tethering all the child subplots in play here: Sugar’s impending motherhood; Marcus’s mother’s death; Sydney’s burgeoning independence; Carmy’s petulance; Richie’s guilt about being a shitty dad. And, oh right—the most insufferable children of all, the Faks. 

But we’ll get to them later. 

The episode’s first notable scene happens when Syd comes to help Marcus clean out his mother’s house as both a friend an in her capacity as an ambassador of the Dead Mom’s Club. Marcus is handling the loss of his mother but the sadness begins to sink in.”Wish she got to try the food,” Marcus says.  

He also apologizes “making things weird” with Sydney when he clumsily asked her out on a date. Syd has forgotten it because the type of weirdness Marcus is guilty of is pretty tame compared to all the other raging cretins she works with. Being a generous pal to Marcus in his time of need is the service she can quickly and happily provide now. 

Back at the restaurant, Richie is scrambling to get it ready for its Chicago Tribune photo shoot. The Faks, for some confounding reason, are left in charge of buffing the floors. Neil Fak and Teddy Fak are chewing up a lot of air time stumbling around, being buffoons, and not adding much value to The Bear (the restaurant and the show) yet they’ve been given more to do simply because everyone else does not. And then we’re also introduced to another Fak, Sammy. Sammy is played by John Cena, an actor and former WWE champion. Oof.

Let’s pause. Last season’s cameos were thrilling, and despite the high-wattage and recognizable faces, they melded into the cast. All the actors seemed committed to playing their parts to build out the origin story of the Berzatto’s cursed family dynamic. That episode will probably clean up at the Emmys, even if you think it stuffed the ballot box with all that star power. 

BUT: this season’s desperate attempts to remain a “comedy” (For Your Consideration) are stilted and dopey. I hate the Faks. And adding John Cena to smoke cigarettes and stooge around with these guys has become exhausting.

First, it was the haunting gag. 

It is stupefying in its full-on idiocy.

I mean, come on. John Cena’s agent should be thrown down a well. 

Also of note with this episode: “The Computer” has arrived at Cicero’s behest to assess The Bear’s disastrous financial condition. He’s another character whom we accept as someone everyone has known for decades because it feels like the writers this season did not have time on expository details. So, The Computer: He might be a criminal, but he’s also responsible enough to fix big problems. The current problem: Carmy’s reckless spending on high-end useless equipment and extravagant ingredients like the Transylvanian five-titted goat butter. 

Elsewhere in the developing plot, Ebra needs help running The Beef’s window. We find out The Beef is actually earning a little money. But Ebra needs help; he’s still fumbling around, dripping beef slop all over the floor, tripping over bread bins, officially losing all the dignity he was rewarded with last season.

The Computer pops by Sugar’s office to offer another suggestion on how The Bear can save money—fire Marcus. “Do you really need a pastry chef?” Sugar then says she’ll murder The Computer if he asks again. Right before he popped in, Sugar ignored a phone call from her mother. This is what kids do. 

More kid stuff: Cicero checks in on Sydney as she’s prepping the kitchen and asks her if Carmy’s being more of a dick than usual. She doesn’t know. Then he asks if he made things worse for these kids by buying them a restaurant. Syd doesn’t know but she assures Cicero that he’s done everything he can just by being present in their lives. 

THE BEAR SEASON 3 EPISODE 5: LEFTOVERS

QUESTIONS I STILL HAVE: EVERYTHING? This season is flailing. 

This show is fully capable and, at times, excellent at showing the dark tunnels grief can create. And it’s not just grief for the dead–it’s the grief for the living that can feel the most impossible, the most volatile. There is beauty in grief! Again, this is best exemplified by last season’s “Forks” and “Honeydew,” the series’ high points. But so far in Season 3, everything we’ve seen is rushed and irrelevant and is in need of one character to help save it. 

Yeah, not him.

OCTOGENARIAN NEEDLE DROP: “Mixed Emotions” by The Rolling Stones. This was a fun and happy single released in 1989 during the “Steel Wheels” era of The Stones, who, if I remember correctly, were being mocked endlessly for still trying to tour and play rock and roll even though they were (gasp) in their mid-40s at the time. 

CARMY ARM PORNOGRAPHY: The perfect use of his freakish arm strength is to break down cardboard boxes. 

A.J. Daulerio is a Los Angeles-based writer and editor. He is also the founder of The Small Bow, a recovery newsletter.